FOODOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. I like to watch it undressing. There's nothing quite like the heart-thumping jubilation you get whilst watching a radish strip.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Caruscants - It's a secret underground fast food restaurant, there's at least one in every city and if you don't know what/where it is then you probably never will.
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Euro Town House. If you don't know what/where it is then you probably never will.
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. My tip swells after eating, so normally the size of a small pile of a gravid toad.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick off of?
A. Papier Maché
Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Once i tried to eat just the base of a pizza by undercutting the toppings very carefully with my precision utensils. I actually discovered how to make mushroom slices hover that day. Caruscants bought the blueprints of course.
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Hot slices of vulva.
Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. Arabic.
TECHNOLOGY
Q. Number of contacts in your cell phone?
A. WOAH there pleasure overload!
Q. Number of contacts in your email address book?
A. These are exciting questions arn't they! I'm dribbling from three orifices!
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Oh stop it!
Q. How many televisions are in your house or apartment?
A. You've ruined my favourite frilly knickers now. Thanks Quiz.
BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. I have a cousin who has two of each.
Q. Do you like your smile?
A. Yes, I really do. Sometimes I feel it's unrequited though... if i catch a glimpse in a mirror and she's not expecting it I see it glaring at me with loathing/remorse.
Q. What's your best feature?
A. Easy, my feathers.
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Sense of Worth - taken by ravens
Sense of Humour - killed by the internet
Humanity - doctor
Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Foresight
Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Erm, did anybody else think of dark wet red body interiors here? I wonder if tiny bats fly out of your anus at night to feed on fruit and nectar and return before sunrise?
Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. Technically you can only have lifted one item last, so that will have been both the heaviest and the lightest. It was a bucket with four dried and well dead guppies in it.
Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. There was this game we used to play at school when you breath out all the air from your lungs and somebody pushes under your ribcage so that you can't breathe, and then you black out. It was called Playing God I think...oh how we laughed!
CRAPOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. It isn't possible. So yes. If it were, then no. Maybe yes.
Q. Is love for real?
A. For men certainly not...ejaculation is the way baby.
Women are welcome to harbour such thoughts though, we can accommodate it.
Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
A. Elegance
Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Once I sprayed various extremities of my body chrome with spray from Halfords. It stung.
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. McDonalds.
CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Yeah, but not if you are unpleasant or foul or ugly.
Q: Now that the surveys done what are you going to do?
A: I have to go look for duck eggs.
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: String or nothing
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Ho ho ho.
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: I start as high as I can be and over time decrease my height until my testicles are dangling over my forehead.
Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: No. They'd love it though.
Q: Where were you born?
A: Durham City
Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: ha it was the 60's. We were all young guys with a point to prove. Jazza has heard from his normal sources that a huge blow was a-coming our way via the Variable Beat Boys. So I said to Healave, "If we're gonna do this thing we're sure as hell gonna need some feathers."
Well, naked and sticky we ran through the streets of Byker screaming
"I am the lizard king, and I can do anything",
luring the Beat Boys back to our our heartlands in the Ouseburn Valley.
Well if old man Gumbar wasn't waiting for us!
"Well well boys, looks like you're all knotted up!"
And we were, in our haste Juxx was entwined like a squirrels intestine with Healave. An that's how the cops found us, orgasming in fear and vomiting in rage as the Beat Boys hopped around us mock-boxing and giggling like school girls.
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2 comments:
By the way, I posted this not because I was particularly proud of any witty response, but more as a social commentary. These 'quizzes' are really questionnaires anyway. I mean, there are no points awarded. Do I Win? Do I fuck.
They have become very popular though...I think it must be because it offers boring people a chance for introspection. Nobody else reads the answers apart from the person writing them. If the questions are suitably interesting enough, which of course they never are, then said boring person might in fact convince themselves that their lives are better than they really are, and go away with a smile on their face. Which is a good thing.
Cynic.
(Rightly so.)
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