Earth and Eggs (Again) / Two Good Friends / Him and The Friend

An excerpt from the upcoming.

Downstairs Him was measuring the distance to all the countries he wanted to visit. It was 37cm to Tokyo, but The Friend was claiming that the globe did not correctly represent the vast distances. On the contrary, Him argued, “though I see your point; it is well known that the Earth is in fact not a sphere, more of an… ovoid, and egged shape. But not like an egg quite, more like a ball with a pinch on the top and the bottom, a football you are currently sitting on, a beach-ball sagging under its own weight. But if the top is flatter than that then really it will just make the distance shorter. It’s about tangents, though I don’t mind over estimating, it’s always a good idea to leave a little space in your calculations.”
The Friend looked exasperated. “If the earth is like an egg, this globe is like an egg within the egg, therefore this egg must be smaller than the other egg. Tokyo is a lot further away thank you think.”
Him: “but the earth is not an egg, more of a football; or as I said, an ovoid, remember the planes of symmetry: two, required. An egg, thankfully, has only one, for the avoidance of rolling,” and so on. The Friend: "if I wasn't such a good Friend I might believe you were becoming deliberately obtuse..." but Him was having none of it and, seeing as how it was such a short distance to Tokyo, he was all for setting off as soon as possible.

How to make: Rosewater.

How to make: Rosewater.
(an excerpt from My First Book)

You will need:

A Damask Rose
A Conical Flask
½ tbsp of Time
A Mean Streak

1. Eye the rose (in it’s secured position- make sure it’s in one), make it feel uncomfortable.
2. Tell the rose how worthless it truly is, how little anyone cares for its scent, its overexaggerated beauty. Tell it people prefer the aquilegia and the lily.
3. Smile. Suggest to it you may be its friend again, you have reconsidered the cruel words you just dealt it.
4. walk towards it [friendlily]. Pause. Lacerate it’s stem! Quickly, sharply!
5. …
6. Slowly and exactly tear each thorn from its damaged skin. Apologise. Continue.
7. When the rose’s exhaustion starts to make itself known place the conical flask beneath its petals and collect its tears.
8. Cork.

Arrangement Of Smallstones

It’s been ages since I had a stone in my shoe. Everyone knows how to estimate too big. Everyone knows. It almost feels like the good old days.
If you want to know how good your bare skin can draw (no gripping mechanism allowed; just flat skin-on-idea) you must pay attention here. Your foot will trace a knob of gravel in your brain, and may create some landmark knobbles that you will be excited to look at with eyes when you eventually take off your shoe. You will have decided, for example, that the shape is 1980s computer monitor with a conical flask coming out the right-hand-side. You can now (at a safe place on the pavement) take off your shoe and shake out the apple-pip-sized rock. On your first several attempts, what you uncover at this point will appear to have none of the landmarks that your foot so confidently drew in your brain. (You may even be so disappointed that you desire to put the stone back in your shoe so that you can look at the old picture again – I don’t know how widespread this feeling is – it may just be me and few others.) Perhaps though, with practice, as you reach old age, your foot-drawing will become more and more accurate, ‘til eyes and foot converge.
I have never put a stone in my shoe on purpose. This is a method you could try. It would, however, destroy the great and awesome complex unpredictable pattern of which moments you get a stone in your shoe. At the moment, for me, it’s been AGES. When will I next get a stone in my shoe? When will I next get a stone in my shoe? And, when will someone fall in love with me?